30 Zulhijjah 1429 - Reflection

I wrote this piece on November 2006, a decade after my divorce. I was so drowned in my guilt because I thought God was punishing me for daring to shake the pillars of 'Arash.

A very special person helped me dealt with the guilt by forcing me to put my thoughts on paper word by screaming word.

Here it is two years later and some edition.

I lost my husband because of money. It wasn’t a pre-nuptial thing. It happened because I was a stupid old fool.

He was working as an estate assistant manager in Ladang Serasa Kelantan owned by Tradewind when the company issued whatdoyoucallit (first issue?) shares at RM1.00 per share in 1995. Each executive was issued some lots as bonus and he secured some.

I got the opportunity to do a twining program in England in September 1995 and he was transferred to Ladang Permai Lahad Datu Sabah in November.

In mid 1996 there was the wide speculation about George Soros and in England it made some headlines though at home it wasn’t yet very apparent. I made the trip home that summer 1996 just to persuade him to sell off the shares. The particular share shot up to RM8 or RM9 then.

I had a hard time convincing him about the downturn of the market because being a man he wouldn’t listen to a mere woman. Though he finally relented, it was not until the shares went down to RM6.80. He managed to sell all his lots by the end of the year and earned a lump sum of RM200 000, married a Philippine GRO, left his job and went into construction as sub-contractor (unregistered of course!). By April 1997 he lost all the money together with his Philippine wife (read: she left him).

We were divorced on 30 January 1997 just a few days short of EidulFitri. I was alone in England then (finishing my study which lasted in July 1997) because I sent my children home (my daughter was sitting for UPSR). Well, that explains why the takbir and tahmid on Eid still left me choked until now. Also why I threw myself into marking exam paper madness year after year.

I wish I didn’t insist to have those shares sold. Maybe things would have turned out differently.

I am 48 now. I have single-handedly, raised up two wonderful children. I pay my own bills and take care of my household without the help of any man, or woman for that matter. I own a house, a car and a piece of land through my very own sweat and blood. I have my job. I am established in my local work community.

Many people who know me are amazed at how able I am. (A male colleague once asked me to drive him from Gemencheh to IAB to attend a course. Why me in particular and not one of his male friends – *Kak Ina knows the way and is used to travel long distances*. And doesn’t his wife mind – *it’s ok with Kak Ina*. Geez! I’m everybody’s big sister!!). Colleagues admire me. I am an inspiration to many of my female friends. I am popular with students and parents even my children’ teachers and friends and their parents. And in my district, I made many new friends as state trainer for ETeMS. [Allow the conceit, please!]

Despite all these, I am very lonely (the empty nest syndrome). There is this huge, painful void inside. The inner fire takes a ride on the bullet train. It’s all the harder because I have to put up a very brave, cool facade when inside me everything is in tumult. I am ravaged by guilt. My self esteem turned to dust. I lost the pleasure of mowing my lawn and attending my roses to plantar-fascitis and carpal-tunnel [which has since turned into cervical spondylosis]. There is so much pain inside and outside which puts me on the verge of depression (at times I couldn’t even get out of bed). I struggled to keep my last hold on the raison d’etre. I cried for a respite.

Perhaps God was tired of my wailing. I stumbled into the path of a very special person. The last ember of the dying fire burst into flames. Something about my special friend reminds me of who I was in my younger days, giving me the strength to walk down the memory lane. The philosophy of ‘pahala’ and ‘tidak merasuahkan ganjaran’ helped me reflect on my past and thus, arrest my guilt.

For almost a decade I have been trying to understand what made me break away from thirteen years of submission. Why did I force the divorce? I searched my box looking for reasons. Was it because he took another wife?

I remember the third year of my marriage. I stayed in this big colonial estate bungalow in Ladang Kuala Gris Bukit Abu, Kelantan with my two lovely children, 3 maids and an estate paid gardener. He worked 9 to 5. My life was perfect. I was blissfully happy. I couldn’t have asked for more and I thought my happiness would last forever. I told him overtly to just let me know should he ever think of taking another wife, I would willingly go to ask for her hand.

Such was my thinking. I have always accepted that part of a Moslem man’s privilege. So the issue was not another wife. In fact now that he has remarried, I encourage my children to visit him and their step-mum. We exchange salams and gifts.

The only reason I could think of is that I lost my respect for him. Twice he quit his job, leaving me to take care of the children while he looked for his niche in the world. I feel that he was just too selfish. He had a family and yet he made decisions without any consideration for the family. The only consideration was; I have a job so I can take care of the children. When he eventually came into money, the first thing he did was to take another wife, a Philippine GRO at that and a Christian to boot.

I was angry and I felt betrayed. However, now I know the anger was not because he took another wife or because he lost the money but, because he was not the man I thought he was. I have no problem being submissive but I can’t be submissive to a man who couldn’t take care of his business. He has to be worthy because I need a man. Not just any man but one who acknowledges his duty and able to carry out his obligation in every aspect of life as a man. Only then can he claim his right to four wives.

Pheeewws!! It feels soooo good to finally get all these out of my chest. I’ve been ravaged by this guilt for the past 11 years. I blamed myself for I thought I was being selfish. Now I am convinced that my action was not out of blind anger but because I needed a MAN and he did not fulfil my need.

Looking back, I came to understand my needs.

I need a man whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.

I need a man who strives for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. A simple-minded man just wouldn’t do.

I need a man who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need a man who is spiritually secured because I need him to lead me in prayers. A spiritually secured man is compassionate and reasonable.

I need a man who is strong financially because I don't need a financial burden.

Now, in the solitude of the twilight on the brink of a new year I wish to put down this thank you note to the special friend who gave me a hand in dealing with my guilt. Your understanding and sensitivity, your humour and wit, your wisdom and compassion are reflection of your knowledge, experience and maturity of thoughts. I thank God for leading me into your path. And I thank you for being such a dear friend. Thank you.

2008 curtain

Now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain. My friends I said it clear. I state my case of which I'm certain.

It's Christmas day. Made myself a cup of chai tea hoping it would help squeeze some juice from my dried up brain and find a triple word score for my game of online scrabble. Noticed a soap on Hallmark "12 Days to Christmas Eve". About a man who had an accident and had to prove his worth to the power upstairs.

The part that stole my attention was when the man brought breakfast to bed in order to propose to the lady. It was beautifully done with a twist. The lady declined. On the ground that the man was a bad husband and a bad father. Too glossy for me to swallow.That was too scripted for me. I left the tube.

But I couldn't help wondering about the reality. On the verge of a new year, I feel like I am losing the grip on reality. Well, the reality that I know of. All the values that I have been holding to is being pushed aside. Being a muslim Malay living in Malaysia, I was surprised when my English lecturers from Nottingham University kept saying how amazing to see Malaysian of different races and religions living together in harmony. They sounded cynical like they couldn't believe it.

Well, I did. I really believed that pre GE12, we were doing fine as Malaysians.

NasiDage SekayeLabu - for 'kambing' Dubai

I attended a boarding school in 1973. A pioneer batch. Then, we have English medium and Malay medium classes. I was in the Malay medium class.

Then too, girls wore knee length pinafore as uniform and donned shorts during PE. Boys were perpetually in shorts ... ;p. Although we were in mixed classes, boys and girls don't *mix*. At thirteen, we girls were into perfumed body talcum, face wash and nightgowns/PGs [some like momilo *wink* were late bloomers] when boys would come down to the dining hall in the same t-shirt they went to bed. Hehehe ...

31 years later, here I am with two alma maters [both from the English medium] enjoying home cooked meals hundreds of kilometers away from the heart of KL.

Lias is home from Dubai for Eid Adha. I chatted with him on YM in the morning on the 10th Dec and here he is having lunch of nasi dagang in Kg Kool on the 11th. His younger brother [backing the camera] sells nasi dagang for a living. *pheww!!! such honour[?]*


I tried calling a few friends to join us but it was middle of the week and everyone was occupied. Only Rohi managed to make it with her youngest girl. Note the clock on the wall. It was after half past two. Lias left about an hour after.

Rohi last saw Lias 33 years ago. However, the hours just ticked away unnoticed. The conversation spewed forth effortlessly. It was a very cosy, lovely afternoon.
Rohi left after 6 pm.

Thank you Lias for the visit and thank you Rohi for making time. I hope to be able to write more posting and put up more pictures of friends here soon.

2008 is fast receeding. I thank Allah for all the happy moments I was able to record here. Beautiful moments I spent with family members and friends. Thank you all for being here with me. May Allah bless us all with better years ahead.

Anak Omak - Big Bikes

My son finished his third year semester and came home on 14th Nov with four friends on big bikes and two on Kembara. They arrived late in the afternoon.

Five Satria Baja Hitam posing before pushing off for their 
Taman Negara escapade. Epit at the far right

The boys taking the corner on Karak-KL highway

Epit leading the way on his red bike

BBQ dinner

2 chickens and 3 kg beef went on the grill plus fried rice, 

mushroom soup and bread with garlic butter disappeared 

in no time. They were famished!!!

 Next day, they rode to Taman Negara. Here they are arriving at the jetty.

Arriving at the jetty

Posing at the entrance

Starting the long trek to the Canopy Walk.

Epit on the 'hanging bridge' of the Canopy Walk

Cooling off at Lubok Simpon

A pose with mum in front of the house

Another one for the album. With them big bikes this time

My son is a young man now. Here's wishing you all the best dearest.

If We Hold On

Out of the blues, I remember this song by Diana Ross - If We Hold On Together. I was first introduced to this song during the preparation course for MPIK-UK Twinning Programme 19 June 1995. It became kind of a 'theme' song for 1995-1997 batch.

June 1996, the first summer break for me. I returned home from Nottingham. I was married then and my husband was transferred to Sabah in November 1995. My two children were staying with my parents in Jerantut. So, on reaching home, I took them on a flight [first time for them] to see their father in Ladang Permai Lahad Datu Sabah.

The whole week there, I kept singing and listening to this song with the family [it didn't make much impact with the father though]. The meaning of each line became so profound because of our separation. The lines of the chorus were as though imploring us to hold on in getting through the temporary separation.

Don't know how to explain it but the shadow of doubts started appearing. Although we crossed the oceans to be together, there seemed to be a distance between us. I was hoping that the children could stay with their father while I was away but the father gave many many excuses. Few 'concerned' people tried telling me something but I didn't listen. I was too full with the song and the 'hope' it carried.

Don't lose your way,
with each passing day
We've come so far,
don't throw it away
Live believing, dreams are for weaving,
wonders are waiting to start
Live your story, faith hope and glory,
hold to the truth in your heart
***Chorus
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us thru to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
Souls and the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on till the end
Valley mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay
When we are out there in the dark
We dream about the sun
In the dark we'll see the light
Warm our hearts
Everyone
If we hold on together ...


It turned out that he was having an affair with a Philiphine GRO. He married his lady love later. No wonder he wasn't happy to see us then.

Thank you note

Yeayyy!!

Hooray! hooray!! It's the holidayyyyyy ...

After so many years, this year's end of year school holiday hopefully will be a long one for me. Since 1997, I had not had any holiday. Been working non stop. This time around, I was determined to have my long overdue holiday.

After having the hysteroscope done on 31st Oct, I was given a medical leave for the whole week. I was alright except for the cramps. It was made worse by the coughing - side effect of the GA. I googled hysteroscope and there was no mention of such procedure done under GA. All articles mentioned the procedure done in the doctor's office. Now I am wondering why did I have to go through GA for such a simple procedure. What more, my friends who came to visit me were telling me about hospitals which did not administer anaesthetics for cost factor. O'well ... enough of my brain cells died for that GA. I'll not kill any more of them pondering about this.

I wish to share my profound gratitute to all the people who turned this experience into an unforgetable one. Through all the fears and pains, I found love from friends ... something I never have before. I have gone through my life practically alone. Sharing only the 'good' part with some friends and family members. Never the painful parts or the personal fears.

This time I let the whole world know I was going for this minor surgery. Well, my fears were real. I had some complications before. I was scared I might not wake up from the surgery. Something I took for granted in my previous experiences.

On the second week after the procedure, I had to attend the final coordination and hand in my bundle. I was having second thoughts about driving. The cramps didn't seem to go away. A colleague called and told me she would fetch me from home. That means she had to go all the 10km out of her way. I accepted gladly. And so for the next three days, Zuza and Suhaila became my guardian angels, saving me from driving.



My guardian angels - Zuza [in yellow headscarf] and Suhaila.




Suhaila's friend went fishing for ikan haruan [cat fish] which the Malays believe is good to aid healing. She caught three and took them still alive to me and I have never met her before. What more could one expect from a friend?


So this posting is specially dedicated to all my friends who showered me with love and care. I am much humbled by all of you. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

And especially to Zuza and Suhaila, I owed you both my eternal gratitude. I could never repay you for what you both did for me. Both of you were godsend. Bless you. THANK YOU.

TRO - to rule out

29th October 2008, I checked in into HTAA Kuantan for a hysteroscopy scheduled on the 31st. Ayong managed to get leave and drove me to the hospital. I got the registration done by 4pm and was sent to a second class ward - 2 Teratai, despite the GL provided. I was told that was SOP for HTAA. O'well ...

Once settled in, I called Idzah at the state library to get the Sekaya Labu I steamed the night before. Idzah came and 'kidnapped' me for tea with a few friends at a famous nasi dagang joint in Tanjung Api.

Here I was having Mee Calung with Mazha and Amdan.













Here are Idzah and hubby Azman.


Mazha went further and arranged for 'ikan bakar' [fish bbq] at Phuket Restaurant in Tanjung Lumpur. Idzah started calling up 'rodongs' [friends].

At 7 pm Idzah sent me back to the hospital. Mazha arranged to pick me up from the ward at 8.30pm. At the ward, the nurses chided me for 'missing'. They had to carry out certain procedures and I was not around. Hehehe! I was told to be in my bed as the ward doctor needed to take down my particulars and blood sample. My night out had to be cancelled. What a damper!!!

The doctor [most probably a houseman] didn't come until midnight. He was rather crossed. He must have had a bad day. He had to take my blood sample for several testing. It should have been done earlier but I was missing. He had difficulty finding suitable vein on my arms and took to 'digging'. Gosh!!! That hurt hellovalot!!!

Ayong spent the night at her friend's. I couldn't sleep. I wished I had the laptop with me.

At 9am the next morning, the ward doctor [wonder what they are called ... MO?] did the round. She asked me if I knew what I was in for. I said I didn't. She chided me saying I should know what I was in for. I was wondering if an old uneducated lady would understand what is TRO endometrial. I knew I was in for that. I was hoping I could get to "DISCUSS" the whole thing ... the condition, the procedures, the risks, the options .. etc. But the doctor was too 'important' surrounded by a swarm of housemen/student doctors to listen to my questions. I guess she didn't expect a Malay patient in a 2nd class ward to talk in English to her. She didn't hear me at all. She even talked on the mobile and it was a personal call, nothing related to work.

After telling me that a hysteroscope will be done the next day, she left with her entourage. She didn't even bother to answer my question about whether the purpose is for ablation or biopsy. All information I had from my order letter was a surgery TRO endometrial.

Later, one of the nurses came to ask me if I want to move to the first class ward. I was eligible for a room for two, they only have a room for four. I wanted more privacy because I had to finish the PMR marking, hopefully before they do the operation.

I only got to move to ward 8A after lunch. The other three beds were unoccupied. but were filled up by dinner. First, one old lady with her right foot rotting away of diabetes. Next, my swimming buddy from Hospital Temerloh for hip joint replacement and the last one ... a screaming murder granny with a broken hip. They hung 30kg weight to her right foot.

I tried to finish as many scripts as I could. Many were no-attempt scripts so I managed a large number by dinner. A nurse reminded me to start fasting at midnight for tomorrow's operation. I asked Ayong to get me some sushi. Here's what she got me ...

A picture tells a thousand words. Here are three pictures ... hihihi!!!

At ten a nurse came with a sleeping pill. That was to help me sleep soundly. Bummer!!! I had wanted to stay up and finish the scripts. No choice! I took the pill and went to bed. The pill didn't do a good job. I woke up a few times during the night.

I was up at 4.30 am on Friday morning. Not wanting to disturb my roommates, I continued marking with the light from the corridor. I was slowed down a lot by the light. By 6.30am I took my bath and washed my hair. I was supposed to go to the operating theater at 10 am.

At about 7 am, a doctor came to set up the needle. He had difficulty finding suitable vein. He settled for the one on my right hand. I complained of pain and the immediate swelling in my fingers. He just laughed it off. The pain became quite unbearable and I couldn't hold the pen with the swollen fingers.

At 8.30 am, another doctor, a very young lady came to change the needle. She couldn't stick the needle in after 6 tries and both my hands and arms were blue black. I was seized by emotion for a while then. I cried ... not out of pain but the hopelessness of the situation. The lady doctor left. I went back to my bed and fell asleep exhausted. Later the doctor returned with her senior who couldn't find any suitable vein to stick the needle in either. In the end, she had to make do with a 'pink' needle [a very small sized one used in urgent situation]. All in all, I got 9 needle punctures.

At about 12 noon Ayong saw someone carrying a bouquet of fresh flower passed by the door. A few minutes later, the person came into the room looking for me. Someone sent me a bouquet!!! It was from Mahie, a super duper junior alma mater who became familiar after a homecoming event earlier this year [which I was supposed to attend but did not; due to some reasons]. Mahie is based in Kemaman and has his family in Kuantan. He couldn't visit me hence the flowers.

The presence of a bouquet of fresh flowers helps liven up the dreary ward. It cheered up everyone. Even the whining old lady who broke her hip stopped whining for a while. Thanks a lot Mahie for the thought. The white lilies were lovely and gave off sweet soothing scent while the yellow and pink carnations were simply gorgeous.

About 2 pm, the nurses brought in the trolley and OT gown with hair cap to my bed. The curtain was drawn around my bed and the nurses helped me get dressed for OT. Some visitors were still around the other patients. I was made to gulp down two kinds of liquids and a sedative pill. Ayong was suddenly overcame by emotion. I guess the sight was too much for her. I told her to go off.

By 5.30 pm I was wheeled back to the ward half concious. The operation was done under general anasthesia which gave me a terrible after operation vomitting bouts and a bad case of coughing. By 12 midnight I was fully concious and taken off the drip [which stopped at 9 pm leaving my left arm swollen].

I was ravenous after 24 hours of fasting. I asked for a hot drink. They let me take hot Milo. I couldn't keep it down. I vomitted violently. So, I kept to plain hot water for few hours. By 4 am my gastric juice started stinging and I took small sips of cereal drink and I was able to keep it down. I told Ayong to get on bed and I continued marking.

Breakfast was served quite late and I was munching bar after bar of KitKat. When finally breakfast came in ... I was served with 2 pieces of stale bread with some marmalade [no butter since I have hypertension] and a hard boiled egg. I wolfed everything down.

Since it was Saturday, doctor came quite late ... with apologies!!! He spoke bad English [I think he is NOT a Malaysian ... didn't get his name]. He explained something about the operation but I couldn't understand him. All I could made out was that I have to wait another month for the result.

I was discharged after lunch. The whole bill amounted to more than five hundred ringgit. However, being a government servant with GL, I only paid twenty one ringgit for the 4 days stay in the ward.

To sign off this entry, here I was on the way back. I stopped at East Coast Mall and had a lovely Thai steamboat of fish, chinese cabbage, soft tofu, chicken ravioli, tofu skin and spinach noodles ... healthy and yummyyy!!! hehehe!!!

NasiDage SekayeLabu

Yesterday Sunday 19th, 22 friends turned up for nasi dagang and sekaya labu. My happiness was beyond words. Ayong was very surprised to see my old school friends in our late 40's [48 to be exact] came for a 'makan makan' [casual get together]. Thinking that only two of my friends would come, Ayong invited her good friend and her family [who have became family friends] from Selayang for the nasi dagang and sekaya labu. They arrived at 10 am and we had a jolly fun breakfast. Never in my life had I imagined to be having breakfast with friends who would come all the way from KL. That was a nice surprise. [like the one I got from a friend who came back from Dubai and had the thought of giving me a 'nasi lemak Restoran Azhar' surprise on the fourth day of raya but it was the friend who was surprised to find that nasi lemak was sold out before ten. I could only offer kimchee and bihun for breakfast].

Bigger surprise was in store. First Rohi and her two daughters came. Rohi is staying in Jerantut but I hardly see her. Rohi looked sophisticated in gray baju kurung and white scarf befitting a lady of leisure ... ;P . Her girls are beautiful.

Next, Amdan arrived with his elder sister and wife. Rohi last saw Amdan in 1975. We were 15 years old then. And even so, we hardly speak to each other. Rohi was in English medium class whereas Amdan and I were in the Malay medium.

But yesterday, it was like we have been the best of friends since forever. Conversations flowed freely. Time just flew by ever so quickly. Amdan had to leave to visit an aunt in hospital just as Sher arrived with husband. Rohi left too because her girls were getting tired [hehehe ... listening to old mokcikZ tales]

Sher was accompanied by her husband. I have been to Sher's house a couple of times and met her JB [our reference for husbands].

I was worried that Manan [Sher's JB] might feel a bit out of place when the two old mokcikZ just couldn't stop chattering. Luckily, Ayong's friend's father [in white kopiah] joined us at the table. [I was feeling a bit guilty too for not being able to entertain Ayong's friend but they make themselves like family members and I was very grateful to them for being there].

Next, Tim and her niece arrived with Zipah in a convoi. Boy!!! I had the biggest surprise. Zipah arrived with her youngest son AND JB!!

Here is the pic of Hj Duan, Zipah and Tim sitting while Sher laughing at me for forgetting the apron. The pic is heavily cropped and Tok Moh will have to get his reading glasses to look at the pic.

This pic here is specially dedicated to Im who first brought up the memory of sekaya labu. Im couldn't make it yesterday for some reason. Sorry Im, this is the best I could do. I forgot to take a better pic of the "lelabu kaya". You can see better pics of the labu on From My Kitchen Album on hi5 here.

At almost dusk, Ayong's new friend from the bank dropped by with her whole family [hubby, two sons and a daughter]. We totally forgotten the camera. What a bummer!!!

This one is specialy dedicated to Senah ... KIM CHEE [sp] on garlic buttered toasted french bread.

I wish to say thank you to Ira and family, Amdan and maam + sister, Rohi and her two lovely girls, Sher and JB, Tim and niece, Zipah, son and JB, and Pn Rozana and family for making my weekend the best ever. Hehehe!!! Almost had a dramatic effect for "Permintaan Terakhir".

Heyy!!! Since nasi lemak Restoran Azhar is now 'diluted', how about a get together this December with MY nasi lemak here at Kg Kool? There's even picked cockles sold here. Maybe Sher can vouch for the meanness of my chilly ...

15 Syawal - Full Moon

As I closed a chat window with the buddy who introduced me to the delight of cyber chat, I was overcome with loneliness. My friend who used to be on the other side of midnight was my inspiration. I drew so much strength from our discussions and exchanges through space.

It was hot inside the house. The fan churned up steamy air. I went out and sit on the porch. It's been a while since I last came out of the house, alone, late at night. It was the fifteenth day of the month. The moon was full. The night was still. It was silent. Not even sound from the crickets.

The air was warm but I shuddered thinking about going under a surgeon's scalpel again at the end of the month. Am not scared of the operation. I've been through three major ones. It's what the doctor might find that is spooking me.

The full moon was bathing everything with her cold silver light throwing the swaying coconut fronds into dancing silhouettes.

Ahh!!! A steaming mug of black coffee with Kitaro on the background. The caffeine did not help my jittery nerves though. I was pretty disturbed.

The stillness of the night was broken occasionally by the passing trailers. Celine Dion's Alone came to mind. "... and the night goes by so very slow. I hope that it won't end though. Alone. Till now, I always get by on my own. I never really care until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone."

This is my view from the porch. The sky was unbelievably bright at almost midnight. Gosh!!! the loneliness felt like a cold blunt knife piercing the heart.

Alahai Anak Omak

Saturday, my son Epit came home with his friends. I had to be in school helping out to prime the library for a competition at national level. PMR is starting on Monday and a bunch of girls asked to see me for last minute revision.

Epit and his friends had lunch at his grandma's place. His grandma made special kari ayam kampong and his aunt at the stall prepared sambal udang with petai. He arrived home quite late in the afternoon.

Earlier during the week he called asking to have barbecue with his friends. I still have some tenderloin roast from raya already marinated and frozen. So it was just a matter of defrosting the beef and getting the the coal to burn.

Here we are enjoying the crisp evening tending the grill. Epit's taking the pic, yours truly monitoring, Ayong busy taking the grilled beef to the grandparents [10km away]

Here's Ayong beside Epit's friend. Especially to all mokcikz reading this blog, please note that the friend is a girl. Also it's not that the picture is not clear. It's the smoke from the grill.

Here they are enjoying the beef off the grill.

It was a pleasant evening. I got to see the other side of my children. Suddenly, I can see that my son is growing up. I was happy to note his efforts at taking charge of the situation. Most of all I was happy to see Ayong dispensing her duties naturally and comfortably.

The next morning, I made nasi dagang with chilly ikan tongkol and pineapple and cucumber salad on the side. I had this dish in Kemaman way back in the early nineties and I find that the nasi dagang is actually better with chilly ikan tongkol and fresh salad instead of the traditional 'gulai' which I find too rich. Well, Ayong didn't get to send some of the rice to grandma. It turned out to be a favourite with Epit and his friends. Anyway it was way past breakfast time.

Down Memory Lane - Azhar Restaurant

Yesterday 10th Syawal, Senah my blog sifu flew down from Brunei to send her girl for an interview with one of the universities. We planned a rendezvous at Restoren Azhar; our fav nasi lemak spot way back in 1973 when we first started our life in SMSP [now SEMSAS]. Our chat buddy; kambing gurun, came back from Dubai for raya celebration and went looking for the nasi lemak on the fourth day of raya and was disappointed because it was sold out hours before he got there.

I wish to share the pics of my rendezvous with SMSP77 yahoogp members as I have problem loading them there.


Here's the grill on the only window. By the look of the design, I think this is the original grill put up by the owner since the beginning of the business. I have this deep suspicion in me that the anti-rust paint on the grill is also very old. Perhaps as old as the grill itself.

The most unique sign I have never found anywhere else is this particular notice. Originally the sign was written on manila card with black marker. Next the writing was done on a piece of white cotton cloth tacked to a piece of wooden frame. Now it is written in chalk on a piece of black rice paper and mounted on an aluminium frame.

Haa!!! Nasi lemak in the wooden barrel. I asked the children who have taken over from Mr Azhar the original nasi lemak man: if it is the same barrel used in 1973. He said that barrel is five years old. Senah who doesn't usually remember very much, remembered that the barrel used in 1973 was bigger.

I remember in 1973, my fav nasi lemak was served with chilly cockles. Now there is only beef chilly and dried squid chilly.

Used to be fifty sen per hefty serving. Now is RM3.00 and the serving is so tiny.

Or could well be the 'container' has GROWN ... hahaha !!!


















Hmmphs ... compare the one on the right who didn't seem to mind the tiny serving ...



Just for the record ... the 50km [one way] drive was NOT ... repeat ... NOT for the nasi lemak. It was heaven to take that walk down memory lane ACCOMPANIED. My sifu wrote about the meeting and posted some pics here.

Thank you Senah for taking the trouble to drop by. Bless you.

4 Syawal 1429 Hijriah

Today is 4 Syawal 1429H. I started blogging on 6 Syawal 1428H. Then I was full of anger. A close friend suggested I vent off my anger through blogging. I wasn't sure I could keep a blog. I never could keep a diary before. With friends encouragement, here I am after one year and a number of postings. I really owe a big thank you to my dear friends.

I still have inhibitions, still not spontaneous with my writing but I am happy with what I have done so far. And most of all, I am happy that some of the anger I harboured is gradually ebbing.

I am trying to upload the raya pics. Unsuccessfully. My server has not been very friendly these past few days. In fact, for the last two days I was not even able to access the network. Network was too busy.

I have been using Maxis post paid service since 2002. When I visited Melaka I used to get this error message on my mobile "Network busy". I was surprised when I got the network busy message here in Kg Kool.

Ahh!!! Picture upload is working. Here's this year's raya pic with my two children. We are yellow this year.


Last year we were green. View pic here.








And here's another one with the clan minus my eldest brother's family and one of my younger sister's.

Father is a lot better. Last year he could hardly sit after falling down a rambutan tree two months before raya.

14 September

Today is the 14th day of Ramadan. Last night Ayong and I had our breaking of fast at my mum's. Driving back with Ayong behind the wheel [nowadays with my children around, I don't have to do any driving when not too long ago I had to drive 600km to fetch them from hostels], she remarked that the moon was full. Yes! It was a lovely, leisure drive home on tummies full and warm with mother's cooking.

It's been a while since I last enjoyed the quiet, cold evening sky bathed in the pale moonlight. When I first came back to Jerantut, I used to enjoy sipping steaming mug of black coffee on the porch admiring the full moon peeking through the silhouette of the coconut trees listening to Kitaro ... wishing and hoping and dreaming and ...

On Thursday, four members from the opposition or rather the government in waiting, went to Taipei in a supposedly attempt to coax several government MPs to crossover so the opposition leader could take over and become the prime minister of the country.

Personally, I agree with the popular view that the present government is corrupt and the leadership is weak. Yes, the people are unhappy over the fuel price hike which threw the country into much chaos but I was hoping that a strong opposition would be able to balance things. The country has never had the opposition this strong. Perhaps a strong opposition in a two party system will bring good to the nation.

Ramadhan AlMubarak is here

Today is the start of Ramadhan the fasting month. I got up at 4 am and prepared a complete meal of rice, vegetable soup and beef dish. My daughter is home and when I woke her up thirty minutes later for the early morning meal, we both enjoyed the ritual. Somehow the 'sahur' [early morning meal] took on a 'new' meaning. Since I was 14 years old, I did not 'enjoy' the sahur because of my bad experience at hostel. I wrote about the experience here.

That first day sahur with straight from the can government ration sardine really took the spirit of Ramadhan from me since then. Even after I got married and have my own children, I have problem taking the sahur. But this morning, it was different. Ayong and I planned to have the first day sahur with the grandparents. We were getting excited talking about the special 'daging bakar cicah air asam' [roasted beef with special hot and sour sauce] my mother used to make when I was small and learning to fast. The smell of freshly roasted beef would get me and my siblings out of bed in the wee hours for the sahur especially on the first day of fasting. We were poor then and food was scarce but my parents always made it a point to have meat for the first day sahur.

However, since Epit the brother has not come home yet, we hold the plan to drive 10 km and roast the beef at my mother's in the wee hours. In fact, we were doubting if we would even get up for the sahur because we have not done so forever. Furthermore, we watched CSI on TV and went to bed rather late.

I postponed taking my high blood pressure pills for later, set the alarm for 4.00 am and slept on the sofa.

When the alarm went off at 4.00 am, I got up without much difficulty and cooked vegetable soup and the beef Ayong marinated earlier. I didn't roast the beef though. Just fried it with onion and red chilli the way my mum used to do.

Then I woke Ayong up. She had some difficulty getting up but the smell of the freshly cooked beef managed to entice her out of her slumber.

It was a quiet affair. Just the two of us. It was an effort to eat. But when the soup warmed our tummies and after taking a bite of the freshly cooked beef, the dreariness wore away. Small chats flowed as we enjoyed each other's company.

After the meal we started making plan for the coming eid feast. Since the family broke up, we had a difficult time celebrating eid. Last year, things started to cheer up a bit but it didn't last. We were uncomfortable when guests kept asking where was the father. When we first moved here [five eids ago], Ayong and I paid the customary visits to the neighbours. After the second house, we stopped. It felt like we were interrogated by the neighbours and their family. Not a very nice feeling at all. We have not been visiting neighbours since.

Hmm ... it is nice to feel that tinge of excitement again after all these years. I pray my health will hold up and god's willing, we will have a great eid celebration this year. Amin!

Merdeka Day

Today is Merdeka day. But it doesn't feel or look like the usual merdeka day. I am so sad over what is happening. It feels like I am losing this place I call home. I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of the situation. This feels really bad.

It gets worst because the vote I casted on March 8 contributed to this chaos. I thought my vote was a 'smart' one. I truly believed my country would benefit from a strong opposition. So did many other 'smart' ones. Government lost the two third majority. The opposition quickly seized the opportunity and formed a loose coalition which gave them an unprecedented advantage which saw them taking over five states.

The government gets weaker with the global fuel and food crises. Coupled with a prevailing corruption, nepotism and cronyism isues; the Malay Muslim led government is challenged along the line of racial discrimination. What the country had achieved the past 51 years is now deemed null and void. It came down to nothing. The opposition is saying that the Malay Muslim led ruling party has plundered the country's wealth at the expense of other races which made up 40% population of this once beautiful country.

Things are ugly now and could get even uglier when the once DPM who was jailed for power abuse [with an allegation of sodomy which is a crime in this country] returned to parliament as the opposition leader through a by-election forced by his wife's [who was the MP for the constituency] resignation in order to give way to him.

What I am against is the idea of the power seize put forth by the opposition. Whatever the shortcomings are for the democracy that has been practiced in this country, the ruling party WON the last general election 140 to 80. It is undemocratic to get MPs to cross over. The people had cast their votes and given their mandates. True the country is in grave need of reformation but the people has 'spoken'. They chose 140 MPs from the ruling party and 80 from the oppossition.

The opposition has never had it this good before. Their voices a louder now. They could provide a very effective check and balance.

But no ... they have to rule the country and it has to be now.

In the face of two global crises, the opposition is mocking the spirit of democracy and political ethics.

What a cheap skate.

Ayong's Convo

Saturday 23rd August 2008, Ayong had her convocation. She had been planning for the event for months. I am proud to note that she somehow made her grandparents' presence on the day as the most important thing for her. Her grandfather had been unwell and turned depressed. She bought special matching batik dress for the grandparents and talked her uncle into closing his food stall for the day. Bullied her brother into getting new shirt and pants and made him miss one class.

I had to take the grand
parents home in the afternoon. Her grand
father was getting very tired. Ayong planned to spend the next TWO days taking photographs with her friends. I took the grandparents home. The old man was excited and talked about it the whole journey home. I was glad that his depression was lifted.

On Monday, very early in the morning I had to go to the hospital for a fasting blood test. Ayong called from KL asking me to take leave from work to go for a studio photograph session at the university. I took a bus to KL and she had her brother picked me up from the bus station in Titiwangsa. She was so happy. She had been to see her father and took a studio photo with him and his family. So she wanted a studio photo with me and her brother. It takes two weeks to be ready.
In the meantime I am posting this photo taken on that second day at the campus.

Here's one with her obliging brother. Both of them really made me happy. Her brother went to all the troubles just to make sure Ayong had a perfect convocation.

She even made me brought over her brother's leather shoes on the first day but through all the commotion, her brother forgot to take it out of the car and here he is with his casual shoes. He borrowed the jacket and tie ... just to oblige his sister's wish.

I thank God for them everyday.



Here's Ayong doing the customary graduating act with her close friends. She missed the one with her classmates on the first day ... she had to look for me and her grandmother who were LOST coming out of the main hall after the ceremony.

Looking at the smiles on the girls faces, what more could a mother ask for?















* ********** MY JEWEL *********

*** Here's wishing you all the best my love!!!