Much contemplation. Loads of doubts. Writing has always been a hard chore. Couldn't even keep a diary when younger though never declared given up. The older I get the more inhibited I am. The better my penmanship is; the harder it is to get the thoughts from the neurons of my brains to flow to the tip of my fingers. The wider reach the writing is, the more *pantang* there is: tak boleh itu tak boleh ini, tak boleh begitu tak boleh begini, tak boleh di situ tak boleh di sini : nanti ada yang terasa hati, kecik hati, ambil hati, BUSUK hati. But what the heck! This craving to have my thoughts shared is taking the better of my sense. The last entry to my journal was way back in 1984 ages before blog was created and I think the termites have long had their fill with it so here goes another entry and this time I am techno.
I am angry. There are lots of anger in me. Have been hoarding them since forever; giving me bad acid reflux. Never really know how to deal with it or what to do with it. Always conflicting with the values I was brought up with. At the moment my anger is collecting at a certain corner in the cyberspace.
After a decade of struggling with the pain of my broken marriage, I was steadily resigning to a dark frozen world of loneliness. My two children are grown up, attending university and would soon have their own world. I have just made home where I didn't know anyone. Then out of the blue I was transferred to a new workplace. I was going into the mood where the curtain was down and the light switches were turned off one by one by one. Thick ashes were fast covering the ember.
From my window, I watched my roses losing their petals under the fading purple sky. From a different window on the desktop, a small tornado coming from the west lifted off the thick ashes on the last of the dying ember and somehow nursed it to life.
Took a whole year and a lot of nursing to get a flame out of the ember and the tornado turned into a gentle breeze that kept the flame going. The flame grew quite strong to get noted and was soon deemed good enough to heat up and keep light a small corner in the cyberspace.
However, a couple of hurricanes from the east put a damper and worked hard at putting out the flame and easing it out of the cybercorner. That made me angry. And sadly, I didn't know how to deal with it effectively. Throughout my life, I was taught to not give in to anger.
Ironically, I discovered priceless treasure in friendship. H and S, my tabik springgg to you two. Thank you for your support. I am so blessed to have you two for allies.
But most of all I dedicate this part to a very special person who gets covered with soot in the process of de-ashing(?) the dying ember . There is no word to describe my gratitude. I am much humbled by your wisdom.