Hang On To A Dream

I am listening to Hardin's Hang On To A Dream. The simple lyric and the soulful melody is simply captivating. Sometimes I can't help it but welled up listening to it for it pierced deeply. With a few more days left of the year, and the moon is once again playing silhouette; bathing the trees in cold half light, am fighting hard to hang on to my dreams.

Looking back, I must admit 2007 has been kind to me. I rediscovered freedom and friendship, two things I lost when I left school and became a wife. The discoveries were made possible through the advance of technology which eventually led me to this new found love ... blogging!!!

Though I am still struggling to reduce all the goings on in my head into comprehensible pieces, the effort somehow brought indescribable relief. Brings some kind of order into the chaos of feelings, rationalizations, anger, hopes and thousand others. The ablility to articulate what I have inside my head helps booster a bit of confidence ... something I used to have in abundande but somehow lost most of it along the way to getting aged. Funny though! It should have been vice versa. Oh well!!! That's life and it is real not a fiction.

The Look Of Love - Diana Krall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNp79hF-xZw

Among my fav song. Am looking for Norah Jones' next.

"The Look Of Love"

The look of love is in your eyes
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away
I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you
You've got the
Look of love, it's on your face
A look that time can't erase
Be mine tonight, let this be just the start of so many nights like this
Let's take a lover's vow and then seal it with a kiss
I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you
Don't ever go
Don't ever go
I love you so

Light and easy listening while staring at a pic of a silhuette bathed in half light against the sheets of light rain dancing in the wind outside the window with a steaming mug of hot black coffee ...

looking back hurts hellovalot ... for a long while, I was much too depressed to even raise my head to look ahead ...

and then ... perhaps God gets tired of my wailing ... I looked beside me and you were there ... my friend ...

you gave me your hand and took me thru' ... making the break and taking the leap ... and you were always there ... I only need to hold out my hand and you'd take it ... never asking ... you just give ... unconditionally

you are like the stars ... I don't always see them but I know they are always there ... I can never touch them but the beauty of their lights will always shine on me ... captivating, mesmerizing, exciting and help me keep on dreaming ...

thank you

ANAK OMAK (2)

It’s been raining non stop since Monday. 10 days ago anak omak came down with a fever which was first diagnosed as dengue and the doctor at UIA clinic told him to test for platelets counts everyday until the 7th day of the fever onset. On the fourth day of fever, he had platelet count test and it was at 150. On the fifth day, the count was 125. On the brink of the dawn prayer on the 6th day, anak omak called asking to be taken home. I went to his college and took him to the university clinic for his platelet count test. It was 105. He was in a very bad shape. I was surprised he was not warded. The doctor who attended him explained to me that he’ll be warded only when the count drop to 90. I didn’t know what that meant. I asked the doctor if I can take him home because he was too sick to look after himself. The doctor was indifferent. I asked if he could be given MC because there was no way he could attend class in that condition. Then I took him home.

Once home, I gave him the dengue remedy I read about on my egroup - papaya leaf juice. He downed the 2 tablespoons of the bitter juice extracted freshly from the crushed papaya leaves. I was hoping for the miracle as described in the posting but it didn’t come. It was a torturous night with high fever, non stop vomiting and excruciating muscle and joints pain for him and a lot of heartache for me seeing my son in such condition. I spent the whole night holding the pail to his mouth, rubbing his back and emptying the pail. I gave him a wash with cold wet towel and urged him to gulp down isotonic drink to compensate for the lost fluid. He managed to keep down few spoonfuls of porridge and fell asleep in exhaustion.

I dozed off on the chair when at 4.00 am he got up for his paracetamol. He had some cereal then woke me up and told me go to bed. He seemed to be getting better. I tried to catch up my task which was getting behind schedule. He drifted into a fitful sleep on the sofa.

Perhaps he felt some difference when he took the bitter papaya leaf juice. He asked to take it again when he woke up. Later he forced himself to finish half a bowl of porridge. His fever didn’t seem to abate despite the four hourly paracetamol prescribed by the doctor. His headache was getting worse and he was complaining of difficulty to breathe. It was the 7th day. Trusting the papaya leaf juice, we decided to give it time to work and postponed going for the final count of platelet. I persuaded him to take a bath to try bringing the fever down. He must have felt a little better after the bath and managed to take in two small scoops of his favourite strawberry icecream.

He drifted in and out of sleep the whole day and the vomiting was less frequent and less violent. However, by night, the fever and the vomiting worsened. He started complaining of pain in the abdomen. He refused the isotonic drink claiming the carbonate was giving him gas and making his tummy very upset. The vomiting got so severe he couldn’t even keep the plain water down. He asked me to de-carbonate the isotonic drink and forced small gulps down. I could only rub his back and wash his face and the upper part of his body because his feet were ice cold. The headache was very severe that he cried out each time his body was racked by the vomiting. He kept asking how long before he could take another dose of paracetamol. The night felt so long. The hour arm on the clock seemed to be dragging a hundred tan iron ball. His moans got louder and more frequent.

I suggested taking him to hospital and he asked me “ kalu gi sepital boleh buat apa? Doktor cakap bukan ada ubat pun lain pada paracetamol. Pain killer lain tak leh nanti entah apa apa ngan platelet. Kalu platelet turun 90 baru masuk wad. Ini dah minum jus daun betik, platelet maybe dah naik. ” (What’s the point of going? Doctor said there is no medication other than paracetamol. Other pain killer will jeopardise the platelets. Only when platelet count drops to 90 will be warded. Now taken papaya juice, the count might be up). So we decided to brace the remaining hours. At 4.00 am he took paracetamol again and slowly drifted into another fitful sleep, moaning every now and then.

The vomiting subsided and he was able to sleep the whole morning. He woke up feeling slightly better and took another bath. He was able to eat a piece of toast and some ice-cream. At 2.00 pm I drove him to the emergency room of Jerantut Hospital. His fever returned and he was put on drip. The doctor asked me to wait outside. By 5.00 pm I got tired of waiting and inquired about my son. He has been sent to the ward about an hour earlier and nobody thought of informing me. Sheeeeeshh!!!

ANAK OMAK

Epit has been calling me every so often, something he has never done before. His fever is worsening. I told him to get a couple of papaya leaves and get 2 tablespoons of juice out of it. I had no idea how he could do that in his room at the university.

I called Ayong to try getting the papaya leaf juice somehow. Since it was night, Ayong said she could only do that after her class the next day. Epit called again telling me he was feeling worse. I was exasperated. It was almost 10pm. I called his father and TOLD him to get the papaya juice to Epit. He said he would do that as soon as he could. I knew it would be never. Why did I bother?

I tried to finish as many scripts as I possibly could which was not many. I must have dozed off at the table when Epit called again. It was about 6am. He asked to come home.

There was no way I could drive to KL in my sleep deprived condition. Anyway, Epit might not be able to walk down from his room. So I called my youngest brother to accompany me. Luckily this was school holiday and he was not unwell himself.

Reached UIA at about 9am and Epit was able to come down himself. His fever had subsided a bit. He had an appointment at the university clinic for another platelets count.

Took him to the clinic. His platelets count dropped to 108 from yesterday’s 125. I told the doctor I want to take my son home. The doctor said, usually the count would return to normal on the 7th day after the onset of the fever. I decided to take Epit home considering his muscle and joint pains were making him very weak and it would be difficult for him to handle the fever from a university room. The doctor gave him 3 days MC. I took Epit home.

At home I made sure he took the papaya leaf juice every 12 hours.

As far as I know there's no specific treatment for dengue fever. Hospitalized patients are just put on IV of saline solution ... pretty much the same as taking isotonic drinks.

I think it is a standard procedure to wait for the 7th day after the onset of fever and unless the platelet counts drop to below 90 there's no point of hospitalization.

Anyway Epit prefers to be home nak bermanja ngan Umi kot. Kalau kat ward tak ada sapa nak layan dia. Kalau kat rumah ngan Umi boleh manja lebih. And I am confident it couldn't be any worse. I am also giving him the papaya leaf juice as recommended in postings to our YG. I notice every time after he took the juice, Epit seemed a bit better ... not in so much pain. Memang doctor hanya bagi paracetamol to bring down the fever and helps with the muscle and joint pains which didn't help very much so far. I hope his platelet count will improve tomorrow. I'm giving him another dose of the juice in the next hour.

Rose

It's almost 5.00 am and I have not been to bed. I reached home at about 12 midnight after sending Ayong back to UIA. Her brother left earlier on his bike despite having a bad fever for the past two days. Just before I reached home he called to tell me that he went to see the doctor and the prognosis is possible dengue. I am praying the prognosis is wrong.

They were home for a three weeks semester break. And now ... coming home to an empty nest ... the loneliness just pierced through as deep as it could possibly go and came out the other side

I am supposed to have finished one quarter of my task three days ago and yet here I am listening to the songs on Yahoo Launchcast and this one song simply tugged at my heart, unplugging all the pent up emotion sending it in a torrent pretty much in the manner of La Nina

ROSE - Bette Midler

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed.

Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love it is a hunger; an endless aching need.

I say love; it is a flower and you, it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.

And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long,

And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong.

Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows;

lies the seed that with the sun's love; in the spring becomes the rose.

This ROSE is especially dedicated to a very special person whom I owed so much for rekindling my dying ember. Thank you and may Allah bless you!